Where Home Is
Realizing that you no longer consider your “place of origin” home is a really strange epiphany to have. I know, because I’ve had it. I no longer like to call the place I grew up “home” anymore. Sometimes, when I’m talking to someone, it will come out, “Oh, I left home when I was X years old,” and it leaves a funny taste in my mouth. It’s my childhood location, but not my home anymore. When I was solo backpacking, it felt as normal as breathing to say, “I need to get home early tonight,” where “home” was a random hostel I found on Hostelworld for the weekend on cheap. That didn’t feel weird. Because that was my home for the night. I was “homeless” for nearly 11 months, but home was wherever I was. Because I am my safe space. I am my own security. I am my happy moments. I can build a home anymore. I’ve learned that in the last five years, but especially after traveling solo.
Table of Contents
1. Why This Changed
In essence, solo backpacking is the reason. Sure, I had an inclination that “home” no longer felt like home before then, but I didn’t understand what that truly meant to me until after seeing more of the world on my own. When you slow travel, go intentionally, meet people from all walks of life in all corners of the world, experience everything this existence has to offer… it changes you. Sometimes, slowly - like deciding to grow your hair out and feeling like it’s not getting any longer, then one day you look in the mirror, and BOOM! How did it get down to your belly button? But sometimes, you immediately feel shifts after a beautiful experience you have while on the other side of the planet. You woke up thinking X, and went to sleep thinking K… because the world doesn’t really make sense, but it also does when you learn to let go. Something you didn’t even think possible or take into account - turns out that’s your answer. One of those slow, hair-growing epiphanies for me was the way I define “home.” Because, unlike what society likes to push, it absolutely does not have to be the place you grew up, the place your parents are from, the physical house your childhood was in, or even where your partner is. In my opinion, home should always be yourself. Because if you detach from all other desires, assumptions, and rules, if you are stripped to the bare and left with nothing but yourself (and a 45L bag), where feels safe? Where feels like you can rest? Where allows you to rejuvenate? Where feels like the world stops just for you to have a quiet moment? Traveling solo, especially as a woman, makes you depend on yourself in ways that you never expected - or possibly intended - but the amazing thing is… you always show up for yourself. You always make it happen. You always follow through. You always make it out “alive,” and often, even better than before. Because when you trollop across the planet with only yourself, your inner world becomes home, the place you retreat to, your safe haven - because slow travel gives you the tools to create an inner world and inner peace that you’ve so desperately been craving. It teaches you how to be calm, still, happy, content, introspective, ponder, question, love, and all of the amazing things that come with being a human truly fulfilled with just being.
2. How I Got Here
To briefly recap what made me go on a nearly year-long solo backpacking trip through three continents… I was lost. Like really, really lost and confused. That “existential crisis” thing that I thought I had skipped in my 20’s? Oh, I didn’t skip it - I just delayed it for a bit. I had found my calling - where my passion, mission, vocation, and profession merged. I was a scuba instructor. That’s where I felt the most free, the most me, the most authentic. But things took a turn, and I had to make the decision to stop diving for my long-term health (I’ve since been back in the water and everything is perfectly fine now, woohoo!!). *Cue existential crisis.* All of those “big questions” that I thought I had already answered - who am I, who do I want to be, where do I want to be, who do I want to be with, what do I want to be doing - now, completely f*ed up. Cool. So, I did the only logical thing you can do… I bought a 45L backpack and a plane ticket to Italy.
But when I landed in Milano, everything changed. I felt a shift. Something monumental was happening. And a nearly infinite number of moments after, all combined together, created the environment I needed to realize several things. (1) When I was a scuba instructor, I made that my entire identity. Ew. Not healthy, not cute. (2) Our identities are constantly evolving, and actually, when we stop trying to fit ourselves into various boxes and “define” ourselves, we can start being truly authentic to the version of ourselves in that moment. (3) It’s 100% acceptable to not want to go back “home” - and you don’t have to explain that to anyone. If it feels true for you, own it. (4) Our entire purpose on this planet is to love, enjoy, have fun, and find what purpose fulfills us in that version of ourselves. Nothing else. Not deadlines, not management stress, not car parking permits, not school exams, not anything else. (5) *And a whole bunch of other lessons I learned while backpacking, but I’ll save that for another time. My biggest point here is that solo backpacking, relying on myself in ways I never had before, made me realize, I am my home.
3. What This Means
Well, it depends on how you look at it. To my (extended) family, this means complete doom - I have a few very dramatic family members. The fix: just come visit me or meet me somewhere else that’s cool. Easy. To my life-long friends from that “place of origin,” it means having that one friend who will never live “down the road” or in the next state over again. They’ll have to settle for the next continent over. Oops. To random people who hear my story, it could mean so many things. But as bad as it sounds… I don’t really care what it means to anyone else other than myself. Because again, I am my home. I’ve learned how I define “home.” I don’t need to explain myself to anyone else. I don’t need to convince anyone that it’s true for me. It just is. And it’s largely because of the work I did on myself - intentionally or accidentally - through solo travel. And now, it means that I want to start helping more people take the steps and find the tools to find those answers for themselves through solo backpacking too.
